Batman v. Superman: Yawn of Justice

So, yesterday, we got to see a laughably awful teaser trailer for the upcoming Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice. I say “laughably awful” because the damn thing seemed like a parody of itself, leaning heavily — and cheaply — on the iconography of the two main characters, with hilariously portentous music playing over pornographically intimate shots of…empty superhero costumes.

Ho-hum. Haven’t we seen this kind of crap before? Dude, Captain America: The Winter Soldier and Avengers had actual stories that worked. You have to have more than a logo to excite me.

Those empty costumes are looking awful symbolic at this point. It’s as though the folks making this movie are saying, “Hey, you know who Superman and Batman are, and we know you know. We don’t have to show you anything at all — you’ll see it no matter what.” Ugh. Compare this to the first Star Wars teaser from a couple of months ago. It actually showed you things. Interesting things. Exciting things. Scary things. Mysterious things. It wasn’t relying on, “We’re Star Wars — get excited.”

Google the BvS teaser yourself if you like; I won’t be linking to it.

Anyway, as many of you know, I was…displeased with the last effort in this proto-franchise, Man of Steel.

Anyway, people have been asking me: Is there anything that they could to get you to see this movie? And I’ve been thinking about it, and maybe — just maybe — if the movie opened like this:

INT. -- UNITED NATIONS GENERAL ASSEMBLY

The floor is abuzz. Something is happening or about to happen.

TITLE: 3 YEARS AGO

The room fills with the sound of wind. Everyone looks up. Security guys go for their guns...then relax.

SUPERMAN glides over the assembly, occasionally offering a reassuring grin or nod. He drifts to the podium.
SUPERMAN
Ladies and gentlemen of the General Assembly and the planet Earth. It is my humble honor to speak to you today, and my gratitude is unmeasurable. Your media have dubbed me "Superman," and while that is a name I would not have chosen for myself, it is one I fully intend to live up to from this moment on.
(continues)
You've no doubt heard the rumors, so let me confirm them: Yes, I am from another planet, one called Krypton, long destroyed. The beings who recently wreaked devastation in Metropolis and in other locales were also from Krypton. They are no longer a threat. I want to take this time to accept full responsibility for what happened in Metropolis and around the world. I was caught off-guard and unprepared. There is no excuse for it. I can do nothing about the loss of life, but beginning immediately, I will work tirelessly to repair the damage to the city. It is, quite simply, the least I can do.
There is no apology I can offer, no remedy I can put forth, that can compensate for the devastation. I can only do this: I promise you that I will spend the rest of my life and all of the considerable power at my disposal helping the people of Earth without prejudice or precondition. I will do everything I can to make certain that nothing like this will every happen again.

We PULL BACK as he's speaking -- to thunderous applause now -- DISSOLVING into a large hi-def screen. We are, we realize, watching the address along with LEX LUTHOR, who sits alone, his fingers steepled before him, his eyebrow cocked in a cunning arch.
LUTHOR
Oh, really?

We would then cut to the present. Superman is a hero to the people, confident in himself and his powers. He has a lingering guilt over the Battle of Metropolis, but it’s not all-consuming because he’s done so much good in the past few years.

Thus, Superman is restored to the bright beacon of hope we all aspire to be, and the story can continue.

But they’ll never, ever do that.

Comments

  1. Alvin Fox says:

    There’s always the hope that DC is playing the long con. They have this new series of movies that they want to place in their own universe (a la Marvel’s Cinematic Universe) that have no connection to any of their previous movies or tv shows. Once they set this Universe up and have everyone’s introductory movies out of the way, they should adapt all of the Crisis storylines. And bring in actors from previous movies and tv shows. Let the truest version of each character stay.

    • Man, if Christopher Reeve were still around to play the one, true Superman (no doubt the graying Earth-2 version by now), I would be all over this idea.

      I have to say, though, as a long-time DC-watcher: They pretty much NEVER play the long con. 🙁

      • R Skidmore says:

        Lol = well said, Barry. I would also hope for a long con from DC, but my skepticism is too high for any hope on that account to be serious.

  2. Well said. Btw your script is better than the dialogue I see in the bvs trailers.

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